{"id":3125,"date":"2021-04-28T21:47:08","date_gmt":"2021-04-28T21:47:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/americanmotherscalifornia.org\/?p=3125"},"modified":"2021-04-28T21:47:08","modified_gmt":"2021-04-28T21:47:08","slug":"mommy-rage-3","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/americanmotherscalifornia.org\/index.php\/2021\/04\/28\/mommy-rage-3\/","title":{"rendered":"Mommy Rage"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

You did it. You lost your temper and turned into a Hulk, a witch, fiery-dart breathing dragon, and you crushed your little loved ones\u2019 spirits, you spanked their little bottoms, or maybe you shook, or slapped, or threw things, definitely yelled and said vile things about how awful they are.\u00a0 The angry words came out faster than you could catch them.\u00a0 And now you feel horrible.\u00a0 You are the worst mother ever.\u00a0 Your poor terrified kids would be better off in an orphanage than living with you.\u00a0 They cry.\u00a0 You cry.\u00a0 And the worst part is, this is a normal day.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Mommy rage.\u00a0 We know it\u2019s bad.\u00a0 What we don\u2019t know is how to change ourselves into the patient, loving, long-suffering, unflappable mother we long to be.\u00a0 All we know to is to try harder.\u00a0 Next time we won\u2019t let ourselves get angry.\u00a0 We\u2019ll show more self-control.\u00a0 We won\u2019t ever let ourselves act like that again.\u00a0 But we do.\u00a0 You may have been a calm, serene person BC (before children), but somehow kids help us discover the temper we never knew we had.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Things kids do that push the anger buttons:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Babies: cry non-stop, cry because they are too tired to eat and too hungry to sleep, make a diaper change a wrestling match, won\u2019t nurse, have colic, won\u2019t sleep when you are exhausted.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Toddlers: whine, throw a tantrum because you cut his sandwich in squares instead of triangles, insist on putting on her own socks and melt down because they won\u2019t go on, paint the brown couch in a rental with red oil paint (true story), refuse to eat, refuse to nap, scribble on the walls, cut their hair, dig the dirt out of a potted plant, climb to the top shelf, run into the street, destroy something you value, poop in their bedroom and then paint the walls with it, pour the bottle of vegetable oil on the floor and skate in it (another true story).<\/strong><\/p>\n

School aged children: whine, fight with each other because \u201cHe\u2019s breathing on me.\u201d, talk back, ignore you when tell them what to do, won\u2019t get ready in time, lie, steal, can\u2019t find their shoes when it\u2019s time for school, don\u2019t do their chores, need constant help with their homework.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Teenagers: wear inappropriate clothing, sass, ignore chores, ignore homework, ignore anything you say, stay out too late, chose horrible friends, live on their phones or tablets, whine, argue about everything, smoke, drink, fight, use drugs or have sex.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Pair these triggers with never-ending dirty dishes, piles of laundry, not enough sleep, not enough money, not enough time for all you have to do, and even the most mild-mannered mom can turn into a screaming maniac. \u00a0Barnhill, who wrote She\u2019s Gonna Blow! Real Help for Moms Dealing with Anger,<\/em> says it\u2019s often the \u2018little\u2019 things in our everyday lives that are the most likely to send us over the edge.1<\/sup>\u00a0 <\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cAnger is the most powerful of all emotional experiences\u2026 The only emotion that activates every muscle group and organ of the body, anger exists to mobilize the instinctual fight-or-flight response meant to protect us from predators.\u201d2<\/sup>\u00a0 But our children aren\u2019t predators.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/p>\n

The funny thing about anger, as strong as the emotion is, it is often a secondary emotion, one we experience because we aren\u2019t dealing with the primary emotion.\u00a0 Most often our anger comes because of fear.\u00a0 We fear our children will get hurt or will hurt someone else, we fear looking like a failure, we fear they won\u2019t love us, that they\u2019ll bomb out at school and thus life, that they\u2019ll grow up to be liars or thieves, or living on the streets.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Other emotions that can hide under anger are hurt, frustration, disappointment, grief, guilt, loss, or a feeling of inadequacy, or even the unfinished business of your own childhood.\u00a0 For example, \u201cfor some people, a crying baby becomes a signal not of the child\u2019s needs but of the parent\u2019s abject failure. The inability to comfort a distressed baby, or at least to stop the crying, is the leading cause of child abuse, shaken-baby syndrome, and infanticide.\u201d2<\/sup> Psychologist Gary J. Oliver explains, \u201cAt a very early age, many of us learned that anger can help us divert attention from these more painful emotions.\u00a0 Anger is safer.\u201d3<\/sup> \u00a0\u00a0It may be that our anger simply stems from feeling overwhelmed, fatigued, or burnt out.<\/strong><\/p>\n

For me, the underlying emotion was fear of loss of control.\u00a0 I was under the mistaken belief that my job was to make<\/u> my children be good. \u00a0With my compliant children, it was easy.\u00a0 I told them what to do, they did it, and I was a good mom.\u00a0 With my non-compliant children, it was different.\u00a0 I told them what to do, they did something else, and I was a failure as a mom.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t make<\/u> them do anything.\u00a0 So I got angry.<\/strong><\/p>\n

What do we do with our anger?\u00a0 We can stuff it, which can make us emotionally and even physically sick, and which can slowly build inside us until it explodes, blowing our children up along with us.\u00a0 Or we can unleash it immediately on our poor scared children, often being cruel, critical and hostile.\u00a0 Another way anger is often expressed is passive-aggressive behavior.\u00a0 Procrastination, sarcasm, emotional withdrawal, lack of consideration, and the silent treatment make our point.\u00a0 Oliver and his co-author H. Norman Wright tell us it rarely helps to \u201ctry hard\u201d to stop being angry.\u00a0 We need more than self-control.3<\/sup>\u00a0 \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Oliver tells us that simply feeling the emotion of anger is not wrong.2<\/sup>\u00a0 It can be an important message that\u2026 our needs or wants are not being fully met. To keep from hurting those we love, and ourselves, we need to look closely to understand what is really underneath our anger\u2014our fear, our frustration, our hurt\u2014and choose to talk about those emotions instead. \u00a0It is an opportunity for emotional growth. \u00a0When those emotions are healed, there is no need for the anger.\u00a0 \u201cTalking about these \u2018softer\u2019 primary emotions tends to prompt softer language from us that\u2019s less threatening to others.\u201d3<\/sup> <\/strong><\/p>\n

I used to get really angry at my 4-year-old son for riding his Big Wheel in the street.\u00a0 Yelling at him didn\u2019t seem to make any difference.\u00a0 When I explained that I was afraid he would be hit by a car and badly hurt, he explained to me that he was faster than any car.\u00a0 A short race down the block between me in the car and him on his Big Wheel, demonstrated that the car really was faster, and after that he stayed out of the street.\u00a0 Expressing my fear worked better than expressing my anger.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Tricia Jalbert in her blog Mommy Rage: Cool Down Before You Melt<\/em> said, \u201cChildren learn from watching how you deal with your own feelings and how you deal with theirs.  While you wouldn\u2019t want to saddle your child with inappropriate exposure to your adult issues and emotions, it is not unhealthy for them to simply see you angry.  It\u2019s what you do when you are angry, and how you manage your intensity, that are important.  Showing healthy responses to strong emotions teaches children that these emotions can be expressed and managed safely.\u201d4<\/sup><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

What are healthy responses to that dangerous fire of anger inside ourselves?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Give yourself a time out.  Go ahead and tell your kids that you are angry and need time to cool off and you\u2019ll talk to them later.  Exercise, punch a pillow, scrub something to get rid of the toxic chemicals flooding your body from anger.  See if you are tired, or hungry, or lonely, and if so, take care of it.  Consciously relax.  Tense and relax all your muscles, one at a time.  Try creative projects or meditation.  I used to go into my bedroom and pray that my anger could be replaced with love and I could look for teachings and solutions rather than punishment. <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Force a smile.  Mom Tara Giroud said, \u201cI used to think [a forced smile] was the stupidest thing, but lately when I\u2019m five-miliseconds from exploding, I turn around and force a smile and within seconds I can feel a shift.  I can breathe.  I can come back into my somewhat more rational self.  I can turn back to my kids and not roar my terrible roar or gnash my terrible teeth.\u201d5<\/sup><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Speaking of which, work to avoid scaring your children.  You can honestly express your feelings without being scary.  Really.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

You can also express anger without blame or labeling.  \u201cI feel angry when you keep fighting,\u201d rather than \u201cI can\u2019t stand you, you are such a trouble maker.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Don\u2019t take it personally.  We sometimes see disobedience as a personal insult.  We say do this, and they do that.  Remember, they are just children.  They aren\u2019t out to get us.  They are just seeing things from their undeveloped viewpoints, which is all about them, not us.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Girard warns us about counting to ten.  According to one report, it actually makes people angrier.  We don\u2019t want that.  Taking deep breaths is good if you focus on the breathing out rather than sucking the air in.  Taking a deep breath in may trigger the fight or flight response.  Instead, focus on blowing all the air out of your lungs.  This moves you into a more rational part of your mind.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Think ahead and look for potential anger situations and avoid them if possible, or visualize possible better responses.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe difference in your reaction to the child\u2019s behavior lies entirely within you<\/em> and depends completely on how you feel about yourself, says Steven Stosny, Ph.D.  [If your self-value is low], the child\u2019s behavior seems to diminish your sense of self, and in anger you punish him for doing it to you.  [When self-value is high], the child\u2019s behavior does not diminish your sense of personal importance, value, power, or lovability.  So there is no need for anger.  Rather, the problem to be solved is how to teach the child to behave better; you won\u2019t do that by humiliating or scaring him with anger.  His reaction to humiliation and fear will be the same as yours\u2014an inability to see the other person\u2019s perspective, an overwhelming urge to blame, and an impulse for retaliation or punishment.\u201d2<\/sup><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Remember we are a work in progress as parents.  We\u2019re not going to be perfect all at once.  I\u2019ve been a mom for 56 years, and I\u2019m still not perfect (don\u2019t tell my kids.  Oh wait, they already know).  So at some time or another, our toddler is going to scribble on the wall or our teen is going to come home at 4 am, and we\u2019re going to lose it and morph into that fiery dragon again.   When that happens, we can quickly admit that we have been wrong.  We can and should apologize to our children.  We can talk about the underlying emotion that led us to the anger.  We tell our child how we are feeling now (sorry, embarrassed, guilty, etc.).  We can talk about what we should have done to calm down before we lost it.  We can brainstorm with our child about avoiding future bouts of anger.  Your child can learn an invaluable life skill by this type of interchange.  You model for them how to handle it when they lose their temper.  Win-win.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n